Business Pedobear Preys Upon Innocence

Hi, 

I'm in Philly on business......and would like for you to join me for a few sips of something delicious and some stimulating conversation.....you seem innocent and trustworthy enough :)


- Male, 30

Um, excuse me? I'll be putting Megan's Law on speed dial prior to this date, thank you very much. I really don't know what signals he's trying to send here, but the only signal I'm seeing is this: 

image via FunnyJunk.com

Celebrate Hurricane Irene with a Gangbang

I feel terrible for this semi-spam message, but this is completely just an offer. No need for a rude reply if you're not interested. I'm a nice guy but my friends used the powers of peer pressure to ask me if anyone wants to have a gang bang tomorrow to celebrate the hurricane. If yes, great! If no, that's ok too. If you can disregard the message altogether and talk to me out of interest, that'd be nice too.
Thanks

- Male, 21

If I were her, I would fuck around with him and "just talk to him out of interest," but I would explicitly state that gang bangs were my primary interest. Only I'd never agree to the gang bang. Juuuust to press his buttons -- that is, the buttons on the pants he's probably already taken off in anticipation of the gang bang. Poor boy.

Fake Princess Likes Dead Animals

U look incredibly pretty as if your photos were not real pics but manuals for princess dolls or something but even then u cant fool me out of all ppl saying u love animals coz i can clearly see that leopard skin you r wearing on your hat in your third photo actually belongs to that leopard u r petting in your fifth photo :)))))))))

- Male, age uknown

Princess dolls?! Not real-life princesses? So basically, his compliment consists of comparing her to a plastic, overly made up caricature of reality. And he was thoughtful enough to note that she can't possibly be an animal-loving princess doll -- unless those animals are dead and wrapped around her head. Hot.

An Online Dating Security Dilemma

So, last time I checked, 'cops can arrest me if I try to molest you' did not constitute a pick-up line:

"Hey wanna go out on a date with me in the city? I'll make sure to be a gentlemen pay for the whole affair and take you somewhere safe (lots of cops and all around times square). We can meet at grand central. I just don't think I can get to know a person on this site I need to be able to see them in front of me."

Call me crazy, but no amount of police reinforcements are going to convince me to date you. And if you're such a gentleman, why should I even need police backup in the first place?

Money ain't a thang

I'm going through and picking out my highlights from my now inactive OKCupid profile. I'd like to share my very first OKCupid email!


"So yea...I make a lot of money...and i was just wondering if i could spend some of it on you. haha. But um...with that said...how bout letting a brotha call you sometime ?"


-Male, 27 (also Indian, not a "brotha")


My reply:
I'm going to be brutally honest. If it wasn't for the overuse of the ellipses and the thought that money would actually be a valid reason to date you I might let a "brother" call me.

Do you have any fun/interesting/genuine qualities you'd like to share that could potentially redeem the aforementioned?


"Brotha":
lol. Ok so because my first email didn't garner the response that I was expecting, I hope this one can do a little bit better. So yea..if you didn't know by now..this email was pretty much a lame attempt...to try to get you to feel more comfortable with me as a person...so that you'll let me call you. haha. See how everything comes back to that ? It's all about the digits..lol. Nah...i think my intentions are a little more genuine than that. I just hope that this email was somewhat insightful and you think enough of it...to write one back. Or not. lol. 


Never emailed back. Sorry brotha, but proper punctuation is actually a bigger turn on than your money.

Message Mishap of the Day

I'm not sure what's worse: his resistance to punctuation, excessive use of emoticons or the Buffalo Bill undertones. Maybe next time you should hold off asking to transplant my hair until AFTER we've met up for coffee. Or, you know, never. 

"heyy :) I was wondering would you donate me some of your hair when I get trans plant? :) because I lose my hair day by day and as far as I see your hair would be fit on my head :) I am kidding you do not have to donate anything :) but I would like to meet you up to drink some coffee or whatever comes while we take a walk on a beach or park with nice conversation Or playing pool or bowling would be nice too Horseless Cowboy Serkan who pees against to the wind :-)))) on starry nights"


- Male, 27

Do you want to see my penis?

That's a line that should wait til the third date. Or at least til the first in-person meeting. When attempting to court women online, it's best to steer clear of such verbiage up front. Sure, you're putting it all out there (or offering to), but sometimes, a little mystery is best.


And then sometimes, you get gems like this convo that defy all reason:

(9:05:15 pm) okcreeper:then let me please show you

(9:05:18 pm) okcreeper:are you on skype or yahoo

(9:05:43 pm) okcreeper:it's around 4.5" to 5"

(9:07:12 pm) me:so why did you want to skype that?

(9:07:21 pm) okcreeper:to hear what you think

(9:08:15 pm) okcreeper:want you to be very honest

(9:08:44 pm) me:i dont want to see photos of your penis

(9:09:08 pm) okcreeper:i want to show video

(9:09:10 pm) okcreeper:cam

(9:09:27 pm) me:why

(9:09:37 pm) okcreeper:so i can hear what you really think

(9:09:41 pm) okcreeper:i like girls to tell me

(9:10:20 pm) me:that you have a small penis?

(9:10:23 pm) okcreeper:yes

(9:10:27 pm) me:this sounds like some masochistic shit

(9:10:29 pm) okcreeper:is that what you think

(9:11:12 pm) okcreeper:maybe. i just like it

(9:12:14 pm) me:you enjoy women tellling you you have a small dick?

(9:12:21 pm) okcreeper:yes

(9:12:46 pm)okcreeper:would you tell me that?

(9:14:36 pm)okcreeper:?

(9:15:31 pm) me:...

(9:15:41 pm)okcreeper:?

(9:15:56 pm)okcreeper:can I show you really quick?

(9:16:00 pm) me:no

(9:16:07 pm)okcreeper:then tell me what you think over IM

(9:16:11 pm) me:does this ever work?

(9:16:17 pm)okcreeper:sometimes

(9:16:19 pm) me:hahahaha

(9:16:28 pm)okcreeper:some girls like to see penis

(9:16:38 pm)okcreeper:or curious on the size

(9:18:51 pm)okcreeper:so can you at least tell me what you think

(9:30:49 pm)okcreeper:wish i could just show you. then i could get that out of my system and leave you alone

(9:30:57 pm) me:you can pretend you showed me

The Cheeseman Returneth

A followup on an early classic. Our cheese, ahem, loving friend seeks another mate in the DC area. These are just the highlights of a very lengthy explanation of his unique fetish.

"This is my fetish, and what my fetish is, is considered a food play fetish...I like when cheese is use in a sexual manner to provide arousal and pleasure, specifically Swiss cheese, although I am open to any cheese as well."


"I like to use cheese, particularly Swiss cheese in a sexual way to achieve climax. This is done by either having myself or a partner wrap Swiss cheese around my penis, then provide stimulation by masturbation until I climax."


"I prefer Swiss cheese over normal sex as a way of gratification due to a high sex drive, and having a low self esteem."

"I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more..So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls."

"I tried many different kinds of cheese, like American, Provolone, chez whiz, jack, and cheddar, but settled on Swiss as the best...because of it's eye patterns(holes), texture, and the way it feels against my penis.

"So why do I want a girls to wrap Swiss cheese around my penis? I find a girls hands very sexy...if a girl's hands fit my specification even if the girls was over weight or curvy or even average looking as long as she had perfect hands I was attracted to her. That also went both ways, a girl could be smoking hot, but if she had ugly hands, no way would I be attracted to her."

"There were also some side effects that came out of my fetish, namely having high sexual stamina. I believe I achieved this, because I used to wear between 1 to 1 ½ pounds of cheese around my penis, and maintain an erection for several hours at a time."


Alas it wasn't all glory for our hero:


"In my twenties I started to go through another change, I developed type 2 diabetes. This started to effect my sex drive, so I found myself wanting my fetish more so over normal sex...and that caused strains on my relationships. Women would get jealous over me wanting cheese over them, so they stopped giving it to me."

"So now I prefer my fetish solely because I am a diabetic, and as a diabetic I have developed erectile dysfunction. I simply can't get sustained erections to have normal sex, just hard enough to have my fetish."

"Still that does not change the fact that I just prefer my fetish over normal sex. I also enjoy having different women do it for me. So I look for women, who maybe open to one night stands, or pleasuring men." (Editor's note: They're called prostitutes, get off OKCupid.)


 "I do not eat the cheese after I am done using it for pleasure, it is discarded. I am always asked that question too."

Message Mishap of the Day

Calling Captain Chivalry! This message came from a guy who in all likelihood still masturbates to Gone With the Wind, getting a wild rush from Reconstruction era gender hierarchies. Our friend's response to him is rather priceless.

Him: 

just a heads up, this site marked you as "more desiring of sex". i've never seen that one before haha, and pretty sure thats probably not the impression you're trying to give off lol... or perhaps you meant that? (doubtful) just thought i'd lend a hand in helping you understand why some guys message you maybe. later

Our Friend's Reply:
gee, thanks! I left my chastity belt unlocked last week by accident. good thing you reminded me not to be a filthy, filthy whore. I'll try to keep it in my pants next time I answer match questions. or I'll fuck whoever I want. one or the other.

Weekend Lesbians

Our girl who has mastered the art of counter-negging is back again, and this time, things just get really weird, really fast.


Him: I'm looking at your shizz. How into jeezo are you?

Her: are you suggesting that i look like a lesbian? only really on the weekends.

Him: Are you suggesting that cause Jesus wore birkenstocks he looked like a lesbian and that I'm gauging your sexuality by your willingness to scissor Jesus?

Her: no. i just thought you meant jizz. [...] there are only really two ways for this conversation to go from here: awkward or hilarious.

Him: If this somehow works out, we'll have to take the "how they met" to our graves. You can tell me all you want about your feelings towards jizz but I'm pretending to be a gentleman here and you're making it hard (ZING).

Message Mishap of the Day (NSFW)

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Message Mishap of the Day

I feel like this man's time would be better served writing an adult incest fiction novel rather than trolling unfortunate women online: 

"i was just reminiscing about my time at the coast guard academy. i remembered in particular how i used to make rounds about the barracks with a bottle of baby oil for massaging the backs of my fellow guardsmen and guardswomen. i've always had a nack for massage. even from a young age, i was talented at rubbing my mother's feet. i became fully aware of my abilities when i and my high school wrestling team were instructed to give "buddy back rubs" to each other. i quickly became renowned on the team for my magical fingers, palms, and elbows when the occasion called for it."

- Male, 28

Seriously, wtf? Does he think our friend will get all hot and bothered upon reading his stories of motherly foot and back rubbing? Maybe he wants her to vividly imagine him using those magical hands on her genitalia? But why, then, does he end it with a mention of his elbows?! Just when I thought I'd seen it all with tentacle porn, this guy ups the ante with this Rule 34-inspired insinuation of "magical elbow" play. #KillMeNow