I feel like this man's time would be better served writing an adult incest fiction novel rather than trolling unfortunate women online:
"i was just reminiscing about my time at the coast guard academy. i remembered in particular how i used to make rounds about the barracks with a bottle of baby oil for massaging the backs of my fellow guardsmen and guardswomen. i've always had a nack for massage. even from a young age, i was talented at rubbing my mother's feet. i became fully aware of my abilities when i and my high school wrestling team were instructed to give "buddy back rubs" to each other. i quickly became renowned on the team for my magical fingers, palms, and elbows when the occasion called for it."- Male, 28
Seriously, wtf? Does he think our friend will get all hot and bothered upon reading his stories of motherly foot and back rubbing? Maybe he wants her to vividly imagine him using those magical hands on her genitalia? But why, then, does he end it with a mention of his elbows?! Just when I thought I'd seen it all with tentacle porn, this guy ups the ante with this Rule 34-inspired insinuation of "magical elbow" play. #KillMeNow
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