All I Want for Christmas Is You (in Bed)

Santa didn't answer my wish, you weren't under the Xmas tree this morning.
- Male, 32

Dare I ask whether you wished me to be wrapped up just for your opening pleasure? I really would have felt better if you had given me more details about your wish, because when I first read your message, this is the only thing that came to mind:

Closet Lesbian? LesbiHONest

This one came from a random OkC girl, and it was sent to a fellow OkC girl. It's quite unfortunate that when it comes to sending online dating messages, the girls can be every bit as tactless as the guys.

hi - you are very sexy! 
would you be interested in doing a 3sum with me and my boyfriend [name redacted]? 
please let me know 
thanks,
[name redacted]

From a utilitarian standpoint, this girl hit the mark perfectly. She opened with flattery, conveyed her main point in just 10 words, politely solicited a response, and closed with her name. And we are on the INTERNET, after all, so chances are that if she copypastas this message enough times, she will eventually get an affirmative response. But alas, from the standpoint of normal, functioning, non-sex-addicted individuals, specifically the straight females she's sending this message to, this sort of inquiry will get her nowhere but smack dab on the front page of MessageMeNot. Dear skeevy girl: you fail. And "3sum" sounds like a calculator game. 

Sugar Daddy Needs Audacity of Hope

Hello - Please don't be offended by message. It Is not to meant to cast aspersions on anyone or make any judgements about anyone. For a long time I have thought it would be nice to have a discreet friendship with a younger lady. I am widowed and currently not seeing anyone.I do not like one night stands and yet don't want to be married again at this point. I would like to meet someone nice for an ongoing friendship. If this situation seems at all appealing to you then please check out my profile and get back to me. I will make a great friend.
- Male, 59

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't "discreet friendship" by definition imply sex? I feel like this guy should just market himself as a sugar daddy. But then again, maybe the reason he's on a free dating site is that he has no sugar to give :(.

Also, seriously? He's 59 years old and soliciting sex from a 21-year-old? This guy is as ballsy as he is euphemistic -- and depressing. Note how his terminology steadily grows more and more hopeless, ranging from "discreet friendship" to "ongoing friendship" to simply "great friend." Maybe his aspirations are getting lower with every sentence he types. Methinks they were a bit too high to begin with.

Don't Stop Believing (In Boobs)

It's seeing the hope within a person like you that gives me so much fuel to carry on fighting for today and tomorrow in the name of Humanity. I deeply thank you for you being here.
- Male, 21

Come again? Do you, like, have a terminal illness or something? And what exactly was it about me that inspired you so much? Was it the part of my profile where I quoted that Journey song? Or maybe that I mentioned volunteering at an animal shelter? No, wait! Was it the cleavage pic? It MUST have been the cleavage pic. Cleavage gives you the strength to carry on, right? Gah, so many unanswered questions!

40-year-old Man Likes Little Girls with Big... Brains

...and he cannot lie, you other pedos can't deny:

tell me, how did they get your brain into that 19yo little girls cranium..!?
- Male, 41

According to Miss Manners, "little girl" is acceptable to use in ONLY two circumstances: (1) If you're trying to help me lie my way into a student discount, or (2) If we're doing one of those kinky "daddy-girl" role play scenarios. Given that your first ever message to me occurs in neither of these circumstances, perhaps you should take some sound advice from the Moral Lizard:

Love at First Slight

Consider yourself stomped harder, you closet man-hating leftist, pseudo-intellectual, heterophobic douche. not even one star. 

- Male, 35

Something tells me this guy could use some advice on crafting pick-up lines. Needless to say, our friend didn't take this guy's message very lightly. Here's her reply:

I'm really pleased you used the relatively gender-neutral insult "douche" (which while we often use it to define dudes such as yourself, refers to vaginal washing. For the record, I would never wash my vagina with you.).

I generally prefer to use the term "asshole," as in "You Are a Fucking Asshole." Because while not everyone can be a dick or a cunt, everyone, including you, has and can be an Asshole.

Does the fact that she replied mean that she's interested? Probably not, but I'm sure he'll interpret it that way...

Those Who Make Passes About Glasses Lack Foresight

If you take it out your glasses ,.you looks sexy but when you take the glasses , you looks ugly :)

- Male, 24

This guy is quite the Casanova. And he's quite strategic in his sentence structure. He sounds juuuust illiterate enough for me to not know for sure whether "take it out your glasses" means a) take them out of their case for the purpose of putting them on, or b) take them out (off) my head. Granted, it remains perfectly clear that in one of these cases, he thinks I'm totes fugly. He kind of makes of wish I didn't wear glasses, because having to look at his sorry ass with four eyes is twice as depressing.

Intercourse Troll Gets Intercourse Trolled

Hey, I have always wanted to engage in intercourse with such an attractive, and interesting Asian woman like yourself. I live close to [redacted] so I figured "what the fuck, why not message you". Anyways If your not interested its no big deal

- Male, 18

Attractive? Check. Interesting? Check. Asian? Fo' sho. But Woman? Hah. If only he knew the truth! Mwhahahaha!! Freals though, "engage in intercourse" is a pretty risky line to drop. He notably didn't qualify which type of intercourse he intended (sexual, verbal, economic, etc.), so I think this would be a good opportunity to break out the trollface and reply with extreme enthusiasm, saying something along the lines of "Omg I LOVE intercourse! My mom and I did that once -- it was such a fun trip. You DO mean Intercourse, Pennsylvania, right?" o.O

Alliterative Asshat Achieves Abstinence

Alluring, Adorable, Animated, Artistic, Awesome, Astonishing, Affable, Amusing, Aijia, 
Thank you for looking ! 

You are FAR too : bright, culturally-sophisticated, saucy, attractive, stylin', ferociously literate, salacious, wonderfully entertaining, spunky, admirably studious, sizzling, deliciously curvaceous, esthetically-astute, smoochable, terrifically sexy, scintillating, endearingly animated, emoticon-obsessed, flan-fancying, seductive, delightfully iconoclastic, thoroughly vivacious, and completely beguiling, to be on this, or ANY dating site !!!!!!! 

Your, Impressed, Appreciative, and Thoroughly Smitten, Neighbor, 

[name redacted]

P.S. You really do have a terrific smile, THE largest, loveliest, eyes imaginable, and that scrumptiously fit, and voluptuous, figure : )

- Male, 50

Um, might I direct you to DateMyThesaurus.com? Also, you're 50. I'm 22. Call me scrumptious again and I'll call the fucking cops. Same goes for "delicious," "smoochable," and -- what the hell, why not -- "flan-fancying." Back off my flan you alliterative asshole. 

Fetlife Doms Invade OkCupid

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Unsolicited advice for unsolicited insulters

If you're going to message someone, first it's a good idea to make sure it's someone you WANT to speak to. Perhaps review their photos or see if you share anything in common. Messaging someone and then giving them a hard time because you discover you don't like what they stand for, because you jumped the shark before actually doing some research, will not get positive results.

For example, if you want children, don't approach that girl in the "I <3 abortions" t-shirt. It's not productive.

Okay, stupid?

Business Pedobear Preys Upon Innocence

Hi, 

I'm in Philly on business......and would like for you to join me for a few sips of something delicious and some stimulating conversation.....you seem innocent and trustworthy enough :)


- Male, 30

Um, excuse me? I'll be putting Megan's Law on speed dial prior to this date, thank you very much. I really don't know what signals he's trying to send here, but the only signal I'm seeing is this: 

image via FunnyJunk.com

Celebrate Hurricane Irene with a Gangbang

I feel terrible for this semi-spam message, but this is completely just an offer. No need for a rude reply if you're not interested. I'm a nice guy but my friends used the powers of peer pressure to ask me if anyone wants to have a gang bang tomorrow to celebrate the hurricane. If yes, great! If no, that's ok too. If you can disregard the message altogether and talk to me out of interest, that'd be nice too.
Thanks

- Male, 21

If I were her, I would fuck around with him and "just talk to him out of interest," but I would explicitly state that gang bangs were my primary interest. Only I'd never agree to the gang bang. Juuuust to press his buttons -- that is, the buttons on the pants he's probably already taken off in anticipation of the gang bang. Poor boy.

Fake Princess Likes Dead Animals

U look incredibly pretty as if your photos were not real pics but manuals for princess dolls or something but even then u cant fool me out of all ppl saying u love animals coz i can clearly see that leopard skin you r wearing on your hat in your third photo actually belongs to that leopard u r petting in your fifth photo :)))))))))

- Male, age uknown

Princess dolls?! Not real-life princesses? So basically, his compliment consists of comparing her to a plastic, overly made up caricature of reality. And he was thoughtful enough to note that she can't possibly be an animal-loving princess doll -- unless those animals are dead and wrapped around her head. Hot.

An Online Dating Security Dilemma

So, last time I checked, 'cops can arrest me if I try to molest you' did not constitute a pick-up line:

"Hey wanna go out on a date with me in the city? I'll make sure to be a gentlemen pay for the whole affair and take you somewhere safe (lots of cops and all around times square). We can meet at grand central. I just don't think I can get to know a person on this site I need to be able to see them in front of me."

Call me crazy, but no amount of police reinforcements are going to convince me to date you. And if you're such a gentleman, why should I even need police backup in the first place?

Money ain't a thang

I'm going through and picking out my highlights from my now inactive OKCupid profile. I'd like to share my very first OKCupid email!


"So yea...I make a lot of money...and i was just wondering if i could spend some of it on you. haha. But um...with that said...how bout letting a brotha call you sometime ?"


-Male, 27 (also Indian, not a "brotha")


My reply:
I'm going to be brutally honest. If it wasn't for the overuse of the ellipses and the thought that money would actually be a valid reason to date you I might let a "brother" call me.

Do you have any fun/interesting/genuine qualities you'd like to share that could potentially redeem the aforementioned?


"Brotha":
lol. Ok so because my first email didn't garner the response that I was expecting, I hope this one can do a little bit better. So yea..if you didn't know by now..this email was pretty much a lame attempt...to try to get you to feel more comfortable with me as a person...so that you'll let me call you. haha. See how everything comes back to that ? It's all about the digits..lol. Nah...i think my intentions are a little more genuine than that. I just hope that this email was somewhat insightful and you think enough of it...to write one back. Or not. lol. 


Never emailed back. Sorry brotha, but proper punctuation is actually a bigger turn on than your money.

Message Mishap of the Day

I'm not sure what's worse: his resistance to punctuation, excessive use of emoticons or the Buffalo Bill undertones. Maybe next time you should hold off asking to transplant my hair until AFTER we've met up for coffee. Or, you know, never. 

"heyy :) I was wondering would you donate me some of your hair when I get trans plant? :) because I lose my hair day by day and as far as I see your hair would be fit on my head :) I am kidding you do not have to donate anything :) but I would like to meet you up to drink some coffee or whatever comes while we take a walk on a beach or park with nice conversation Or playing pool or bowling would be nice too Horseless Cowboy Serkan who pees against to the wind :-)))) on starry nights"


- Male, 27

Do you want to see my penis?

That's a line that should wait til the third date. Or at least til the first in-person meeting. When attempting to court women online, it's best to steer clear of such verbiage up front. Sure, you're putting it all out there (or offering to), but sometimes, a little mystery is best.


And then sometimes, you get gems like this convo that defy all reason:

(9:05:15 pm) okcreeper:then let me please show you

(9:05:18 pm) okcreeper:are you on skype or yahoo

(9:05:43 pm) okcreeper:it's around 4.5" to 5"

(9:07:12 pm) me:so why did you want to skype that?

(9:07:21 pm) okcreeper:to hear what you think

(9:08:15 pm) okcreeper:want you to be very honest

(9:08:44 pm) me:i dont want to see photos of your penis

(9:09:08 pm) okcreeper:i want to show video

(9:09:10 pm) okcreeper:cam

(9:09:27 pm) me:why

(9:09:37 pm) okcreeper:so i can hear what you really think

(9:09:41 pm) okcreeper:i like girls to tell me

(9:10:20 pm) me:that you have a small penis?

(9:10:23 pm) okcreeper:yes

(9:10:27 pm) me:this sounds like some masochistic shit

(9:10:29 pm) okcreeper:is that what you think

(9:11:12 pm) okcreeper:maybe. i just like it

(9:12:14 pm) me:you enjoy women tellling you you have a small dick?

(9:12:21 pm) okcreeper:yes

(9:12:46 pm)okcreeper:would you tell me that?

(9:14:36 pm)okcreeper:?

(9:15:31 pm) me:...

(9:15:41 pm)okcreeper:?

(9:15:56 pm)okcreeper:can I show you really quick?

(9:16:00 pm) me:no

(9:16:07 pm)okcreeper:then tell me what you think over IM

(9:16:11 pm) me:does this ever work?

(9:16:17 pm)okcreeper:sometimes

(9:16:19 pm) me:hahahaha

(9:16:28 pm)okcreeper:some girls like to see penis

(9:16:38 pm)okcreeper:or curious on the size

(9:18:51 pm)okcreeper:so can you at least tell me what you think

(9:30:49 pm)okcreeper:wish i could just show you. then i could get that out of my system and leave you alone

(9:30:57 pm) me:you can pretend you showed me

The Cheeseman Returneth

A followup on an early classic. Our cheese, ahem, loving friend seeks another mate in the DC area. These are just the highlights of a very lengthy explanation of his unique fetish.

"This is my fetish, and what my fetish is, is considered a food play fetish...I like when cheese is use in a sexual manner to provide arousal and pleasure, specifically Swiss cheese, although I am open to any cheese as well."


"I like to use cheese, particularly Swiss cheese in a sexual way to achieve climax. This is done by either having myself or a partner wrap Swiss cheese around my penis, then provide stimulation by masturbation until I climax."


"I prefer Swiss cheese over normal sex as a way of gratification due to a high sex drive, and having a low self esteem."

"I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more..So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls."

"I tried many different kinds of cheese, like American, Provolone, chez whiz, jack, and cheddar, but settled on Swiss as the best...because of it's eye patterns(holes), texture, and the way it feels against my penis.

"So why do I want a girls to wrap Swiss cheese around my penis? I find a girls hands very sexy...if a girl's hands fit my specification even if the girls was over weight or curvy or even average looking as long as she had perfect hands I was attracted to her. That also went both ways, a girl could be smoking hot, but if she had ugly hands, no way would I be attracted to her."

"There were also some side effects that came out of my fetish, namely having high sexual stamina. I believe I achieved this, because I used to wear between 1 to 1 ½ pounds of cheese around my penis, and maintain an erection for several hours at a time."


Alas it wasn't all glory for our hero:


"In my twenties I started to go through another change, I developed type 2 diabetes. This started to effect my sex drive, so I found myself wanting my fetish more so over normal sex...and that caused strains on my relationships. Women would get jealous over me wanting cheese over them, so they stopped giving it to me."

"So now I prefer my fetish solely because I am a diabetic, and as a diabetic I have developed erectile dysfunction. I simply can't get sustained erections to have normal sex, just hard enough to have my fetish."

"Still that does not change the fact that I just prefer my fetish over normal sex. I also enjoy having different women do it for me. So I look for women, who maybe open to one night stands, or pleasuring men." (Editor's note: They're called prostitutes, get off OKCupid.)


 "I do not eat the cheese after I am done using it for pleasure, it is discarded. I am always asked that question too."

Message Mishap of the Day

Calling Captain Chivalry! This message came from a guy who in all likelihood still masturbates to Gone With the Wind, getting a wild rush from Reconstruction era gender hierarchies. Our friend's response to him is rather priceless.

Him: 

just a heads up, this site marked you as "more desiring of sex". i've never seen that one before haha, and pretty sure thats probably not the impression you're trying to give off lol... or perhaps you meant that? (doubtful) just thought i'd lend a hand in helping you understand why some guys message you maybe. later

Our Friend's Reply:
gee, thanks! I left my chastity belt unlocked last week by accident. good thing you reminded me not to be a filthy, filthy whore. I'll try to keep it in my pants next time I answer match questions. or I'll fuck whoever I want. one or the other.

Weekend Lesbians

Our girl who has mastered the art of counter-negging is back again, and this time, things just get really weird, really fast.


Him: I'm looking at your shizz. How into jeezo are you?

Her: are you suggesting that i look like a lesbian? only really on the weekends.

Him: Are you suggesting that cause Jesus wore birkenstocks he looked like a lesbian and that I'm gauging your sexuality by your willingness to scissor Jesus?

Her: no. i just thought you meant jizz. [...] there are only really two ways for this conversation to go from here: awkward or hilarious.

Him: If this somehow works out, we'll have to take the "how they met" to our graves. You can tell me all you want about your feelings towards jizz but I'm pretending to be a gentleman here and you're making it hard (ZING).

Message Mishap of the Day (NSFW)

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Message Mishap of the Day

I feel like this man's time would be better served writing an adult incest fiction novel rather than trolling unfortunate women online: 

"i was just reminiscing about my time at the coast guard academy. i remembered in particular how i used to make rounds about the barracks with a bottle of baby oil for massaging the backs of my fellow guardsmen and guardswomen. i've always had a nack for massage. even from a young age, i was talented at rubbing my mother's feet. i became fully aware of my abilities when i and my high school wrestling team were instructed to give "buddy back rubs" to each other. i quickly became renowned on the team for my magical fingers, palms, and elbows when the occasion called for it."

- Male, 28

Seriously, wtf? Does he think our friend will get all hot and bothered upon reading his stories of motherly foot and back rubbing? Maybe he wants her to vividly imagine him using those magical hands on her genitalia? But why, then, does he end it with a mention of his elbows?! Just when I thought I'd seen it all with tentacle porn, this guy ups the ante with this Rule 34-inspired insinuation of "magical elbow" play. #KillMeNow

Girls Can Neg, Too

Sometimes the people that message us online can come off as total douchebags, what with their creeper talk and over-zealous negging. Yet some of our friends who contribute to this blog are skilled in the art of countering the negs and dishing them right back out. Here is one fine example of such behavior:

Male, 27:
Dear girl who loves rice and beans,
Let's go home.

Friend:
Dear bearded bushman,
Will you finish up my degree for me? And then apply to grad school?

Male, 27:
Dear Asian midget,
No. And no. Although if you want to be irresponsible and put off those things in order to come out and drink alcohol with me, I will consider it.

(5'3 = midget
You = Asian
Therefore, Asian midget.)

Friend: You tall people don't even know what short is.

Male, 27: I walked around on my knees for a little bit today. That's sort of what it's like, right?

Friend: You should try that at Costco. Then you'll know what we go through.

Male, 27: I could never stoop that low.

Friend: That's a low blow.

Male, 27: Does the Wonka factory give good benefits?

Friend: Yes, but Mr. Wonka also touches me inappropriately.

An Unforeseen Turn of Events!

This conversation was submitted to us by a close friend who has dealt with enough creepers in her day to be able to handle even the most blatant advances. Observe:

Creeper: i think a few days in manhattan is what you need.

Her: manhattan sucks balls. sorry to burst your bubble.

Creeper: that's quite the hopeless reply. tragic.

Her: You know James Joyce would have hated it too. It's chock full of tourists and commercialism, unreasonably overpriced, and generally lackluster.

Creeper: i dont in fact know what joyce would have thought of new york, nor would it matter much. your list of complaints has some merit but is too simplistic. you could make these complaints about any world capital. Lackluster? I dont think so. i have complaints too (dirty, hard to forge deep connections with people, too many cold months...) but its still the best city in the world and always bursting with energy and fun. its not the only place to be. i'm not a manhattan provincial. but it's not a place to be dismissed so easily. anyway, i dont want to tour nyc with you. i want to keep you in my apartment as my sex slave.

Her: The last line actually caught me completely off guard and made me laugh out loud. Kudos. But, come on, an Asian girl sex slave? Isn't that getting a little old? Put some creativity in it and hit on a 6 foot blonde from Sweden for once.

Creeper: i thought to soften it up a little, maybe even add a :). but then i thought no, lets see if she likes the line as it is. there's a reason we keep demanding asian sex slaves. they are the best sex slaves. Olga just doesn't get the job done or there'd be a bigger market for her. sometimes you dont need to reinvent the wheel.



I'm actually not sure which is more unforeseen. The fact that he went from 0-CREEPTACULAR in a single line, or the fact that the two of them seem to have it it off :D

Message Mishap of the Day

This delicious morsel comes to us from an OkCupid insider who subsequently banned this purported 24/M/Cornell for spamming this message to many (un?)fortunate users:

"Jesus christ! I just spit my protein shake all over my damn computer! I looked through your profile pictures and now I'm sitting here hard as a rock, milk all over the place, and sweating like Amy Winehouse in a liquor store. I don't know what to deal with first! You've put me in quite the predicament, I hope you're happy."

At least he got the grammar right...sort of.

Message Mishap of the Day

Hmm. He must have hit his head pretty hard if he thinks that this pick-up line would ever actually work:

so...um...this is a little awkward but I just came across your profile and I passed out cold hitting my head on my desk so I am going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
                                                                                           - Male, 23

Message Mishap of the Day

This one was sent to a friend that we haven't featured yet. She does, however, possess a veritable treasure trove of stellar OkStupid fodder that she's received over the years. Case in point:

"Do you like tall italian men with large cocks? I only ask because i'm 6ft3 and I own an over-sized chicken farm outside of Rome."

- Male, age unknown

Her reply: "I like my men like I like my pizza: hot and cheesy."

Message Mishap of the Day

"hey, I am leaving the area in October and am looking to have some fun until i leave. Just looking for a friends with benefits. If you are interested let me know. "


                                            -Male, 27

How Not to Start a Conversation

if you are actually 28 then i really need to borrow your exfoliant

you look like you could still be at state college

oh and joe pa could use your exfoliant too

the guy is a legend

but he looks 900 years old

stonehenge looks younger

Message Mishap of the Day

This gem was received by a cousin of the friend who received the unfortunate cheese fetish message a few days back. Plus 1 for creativity. Minus infinity for not including a "No" checkbox.

"Listen, I'm just going to put this out there…I want to rob a bank with you, in a 1963 Aston Martin DB5, than count the money by the light of a burning oil refinery, then give that money to charity and move to the Virgin Islands. Also, do you want to dance with me? Check the box Yes"

- Male, 28

TITtilating Tip of the Day

When it comes to choosing a screen name, relatability is key.  You want her to think you're cool, like you have hobbies that aren't limited to trolling dating sites all day...some that you may even share!  (BONUS!)

You know what you don't want her to think?   That you're trolling dating sites all day.

Adding 4U to the end of anything is sort of like vagina kryptonite.  Not in a good way.  It's something a pedophile would say.  "Hi!  Candy4U here!  ASL?"  I know, I get it...sometimes they offer you a screen name when the way-awesome one you were going to use was already taken.  But they offer several suggestions.  Yes, ___Taco is one of them.  But I would be much more likely to respond to a TacoPeter49maybeI'maserialkiller? than a Hotguywithgiantpeniswhohasadegreefromharvard4U.  It's just logic.

So when you're prompted to create the name that MAY MEAN THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, remember:

NO creep 4U.

STOP IT DAD!

"Well, Your profile says you're looking for a fella as old as 34, so since I have dyslexia, forgive me."

Your dyslexia does not mean I am chuckling nor warming up to the idea of dating someone 30% older than me. Thanks.

Message Mishap of the Day

This one was received one of our dear friends. We...have no words.

"I was wondering if you could take a minute to read and respond to my message.Well it's more of a purposal, you see I am looking for an open minded girl who is interested in fetishes and making some extra money. Now no way am I implying that you do anything, just hear me out. I call my fetish my Swiss cheese fetish, because it involves using Swiss cheese to give me sexual pleasure. How this is done is that I have a girl wrap slices of Swiss cheese, that I provide around my penis, then stroke me with the cheese. I realize this must sound weird, and I am sure you never heard of it, but it's a type of food play fetish. some people use chocolate, some use whip cream, I prefer cheese. But no eating is involved with my fetish, and you don’t have to be naked either. It only takes about 20 minutes to preform. Now I realize I am the only one being pleasured by my fetish, so in return I would be willing to compensate you in the sum of $150 for your help. Please let me know what you think of my fetish and if you would be interested in doing it for me. Thank you for you time."

- Male, 30